


they'll hang us in the louvre

by portraitofwlw



Category: Big Little Lies (TV), Big Little Lies - Liane Moriarty
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Not Canon Compliant, celeste is the sane one here, madeline and renata can not do feelings well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:47:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23695657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/portraitofwlw/pseuds/portraitofwlw
Summary: Madeline said the wrong thing sometimes, but this time she couldn't take it back and make everything better. She had dug her hole and now she had to lie in it.
Relationships: Jane Chapman/Celeste Wright, Renata Klein & Madeline Martha MacKenzie, Renata Klein/Madeline Martha Mackenzie
Comments: 10
Kudos: 44





	they'll hang us in the louvre

Things were good. For the first time in a while Madeline could say that without feeling like she was lying. Sure things in Monterey were just as ridiculous as they always had been, but she finally felt like she could breathe. Bonnie was back, Celeste had her boys, and the five of them had each other. The chaos of life was back to a normal level. There were parent meetings, brunches at the coffee shop, days at the theater, runs on the beach, and playdates to schedule. 

And then there was Renata. 

Renata. 

Out of everyone, Madeline had become closest with her, apart from maybe Celeste. They still bickered and fought with each other, because that's what they always had done, and would do until they couldn't speak anymore, but that was just how they did things. There was just as much joy in a debate between them as there was competition, maybe more. Renata played off of her like nobody else could, hours turned into seconds with her. 

\---

Madeline had started to invite Renata over after a few months of their slowly shifting dynamic. The first time had been a bit awkward, neither of them really knew how to be with each other in such a raw state without anyone else there to act as a buffer. It felt a bit like lighting a bonfire when all you'd ever used was an electric stove. 

But soon enough things fell into a more comfortable place. It was expected that Renata would be at her house at least once a week, and that Madeline would spend Sunday afternoons when Chloe had playdates in Renata's living room lounging on her couch. Or other days, when they didn't have anywhere to be, the two of them would sit on the beach for hours, sometimes not saying a word, content enough just to be in each other's presence. It was a different part of Renata than Madeline had ever seen before. 

There was Renata the CEO who dominated a room the second she walked in, there was Renata the socialite who threw magnificent parties and entertained like she was born to do it, there was Renata the mother who cared so fiercely for her daughter it burned anyone around her, and then there was this new Renata. Madeline's Renata, who sat on the beach in silence and watched the waves and drank rosé with ice cubes.

Madeline learned that sometimes Renata liked to get away from everything. 

She liked to listen to the Talking Heads and Abba. She liked to braid Amabella's hair and she knew how to do all the complicated fancy styles. She liked to read classic Steven King novels. She liked to drive her car fast down empty desert roads and scream into miles of empty space. 

Madeline learned that her favorite stretch of road to drive down was near the Nevada border, but she didn't get to go as often as she like. She said it made her feel like the universe was listening to her when she was out there all alone, yelling. Madeline wondered if Celeste knew that about her, or Bonnie, or Jane, or even Gordon. 

\---

One night in the middle of July, a Friday when both of their kids had left for the weekend, Renata brought her to that stretch of road. It was long, and flat, and you could see everything around for miles and miles and miles of desert. And if you looked up you'd see the milky way dotting the sky, a sight you never saw in Monterey, not even on the clearest, darkest nights.

Renata had asked her if she was positive she wanted to do this, giving Madeline time to get out of the car if she needed to, or stop and tell Renata to go home. Madeline knew she would've gone home too, if she had asked, no matter how excited she was to be here.  
But Madeline just nodded and smiled because she wanted to see into Renata's mind for a few minutes, to understand her and feel how she felt.

They must have gone almost 100mph, wind whipping past the windows and the landscape turning into little blurs of black and brown and blue. Renata laughed and screamed, and Madeline screamed with her. She looked younger when she did that, and Madeline could almost imagine what a six year old Renata looked like, running around and shrieking without a care in the world, her blonde hair stuck in two pigtails or braided down her back.

At some point they started to slow down, and then Renata stopped the car altogether to look at Madeline. She had a thousand watt smile on her face, and her eyes anxiously awaited Madeline's reply. She had just bared a piece of her soul and it showed on her face, that vulnerability. Madeline wanted to frame the moment in her mind forever.

"When can we do that again?" 

\---

Sometimes, once they were both confident they couldn't scare each other away, Renata would show up unannounced at Madeline's house when neither of them had kids at home with a bottle of red wine and they would watch trashy reality TV until they were too tired to move. Then Madeline would tell Renata to take the guest room, and she would protest for a few minutes, even though they both knew she would stay the night inevitably. Eventually, Madeline started keeping one or two Renata-sized shirts in her dresser so Renata could wear them to bed. Madeline loved those nights, and the mornings after when she would make Renata a cup of coffee and insist that she eat something before she left to get ready for work. 

And sometimes Madeline would end up at Renata's house, making a mess of her kitchen in an attempt to make some fancy recipe as a special dinner, or soaking in her hot tub at dusk while music played from Renata's phone, or reading a chapter book with Amabella on the couch while Renata ran out on an errand.

Other times, Renata would be in a terrible mood for one reason or another, and she'd push and push and push every button until Madeline wanted to scream. She'd throw around passive aggressive remarks, she'd get frustrated and irritated immediately, and finally she'd storm off to her car and drive off. Madeline had been furious with her the first time. And the second. And probably the third time too. 

But then, after a few weeks, Renata started coming back. She'd show up on Madeline's doorstep an hour later with a cupcake or a cookie from the bakery in her hand, and an ashamed look on her face, and she'd apologize. And Madeline would let her back in everytime, because it was her Renata, and for Renata she would bend and accommodate and forgive. 

\--- 

It was remarkable how much time Madeline and Renata spent in silence when they were together. They spoke when they wanted to, they could talk for hours, but they didn't always need to. Maybe it was because they spent so much time bickering and fighting in front of other people, almost like a performance, that it felt more authentic to be quiet with each other. Sometimes just sitting and knowing if they looked over they would see the other next to them was enough. They had both found new parts of themselves. Madeline's Renata, and Renata's Madeline.

\---

If anyone had noticed how close Renata and Madeline had become, they didn't mention it. Not that it was obvious, they were hardly ever out as a duo, if they wanted to see each other they did so privately. All that the world saw was a playful glance or a fond smile exchanged between them that could be explained away easily enough as a one off. They still bickered enough to be the same old Renata and Madeline, even if they were a million miles away from that now.

It was much easier to be just Madeline and just Renata when all five of the girls were out together, which they usually were. They came as a set, the infamous Monterey Five. At every parent meeting they sat together in a row, and it wasn't uncommon to see them all squished into a booth at the coffee shop. Madeline liked it that way. She loved Celeste, Bonnie, and Jane so much- as much as she ever had- and she loved being with them all at once. It felt nice to have that support system, to feel like you didn't always have to claw your way up in order to get something that resembled love and respect. 

And selfishly, she liked having Renata to herself a little bit. It was uncomplicated like that. They didn't have to explain themselves or try to put meaning when there was none. 

And then Celeste announced at one of their dinners that she and Jane had been seeing each other for over two months. Seeing as in dating, seeing as in 'This is serious enough that I'm telling our best friends and letting other people into this thing we have.'

Everyone had sort of known Jane and Celeste would end up together. It seemed like something inevitable, maybe even from the first time they met, or when Jane called her beautiful in that way that suggested something a bit more than plain friendship and created their own world together for a moment. The two of them looked good together, ridiculously good. There was Celeste without Jane, and there was Jane without Celeste, but they both seemed duller when they were apart. Like a lightbulb that's not screwed in all the way, just waiting for that little push to click it into place. 

As much as things didn't change between the five of them, (they were still a package deal) just as many things did change. The dynamic was shifted in a way it hadn't been before. Sure they all loved each other, but now there was a new type of love added to the mix that only Jane and Celeste were a part of.

\---

The eyes of Monterey seemed to follow them all the more closely now. People had either figured out what was going on between Celeste and Jane, or someone nosier than them had told them. 

Madeline found it ironic that all of the progressive, aggressively accepting moms turned on them the second the people they were fighting for ventured out of the theoretical and into the the real world.

But the five of them still sat in the same row they always did in parent meetings, and anyone who dared to so much as whisper in Celeste or Jane's direction was rewarded with a bone chilling stare from Renata that usually shut them up.

\---

"How is Renata" Celeste said while she and Madeline were meeting for coffee.

"She's good. You know she's in New York on business right?" Madeline asked.

"Yeah, I just figured you had spoken to her since she left. It's nice that you two have gotten closer." Celeste said.

"It is nice." Madeline said casually, and she didn't mention that they had always gotten along in their own confusing way. All the fighting and screaming had been a game they were both in on, even if it went overboard sometimes. Celeste probably knew that though, because she always knew that stuff, even before Madeline knew it herself. And if the glint in Celeste's eye was any indication, Madeline was right. She did know something.

"Who would have thought that you two would've ended up the closest to each other out of all of us" Celeste laughed. 

Madeline fought back a frown.

"I'm just kidding Madeline" Celeste could tell she pressed a sore spot, and she reached her hand across the table. 

Madeline painted a wide smile on her face. 

"It is kind of ridiculous isn't it?" She tried to match Celeste's light tone.

"You two are good for each other." Celeste soothed. 

"How are things working out with Jane?" Madeline asked, desperate to change the subject.

A thin blush settled over Celeste, and she smiled just at the mention of Jane's name. Madeline smiled back at her, genuinely. It was good to see her so happy and vibrant. There was no fear that came with Jane, just love, and it showed in every line of Celeste's face.

"Good, she came over for dinner a few nights ago. We're thinking of maybe telling the kids soon. I'd rather they hear it from us than at school." Celeste fiddled with the edge of her napkin.

"That's really great Celeste, I love seeing you so happy with her. And the boys love her too, I'm sure they'll be over the moon." 

Celeste beamed. 

\--- 

That night, when Madeline was lying in her bed tossing and turning for what felt like the millionth time, her phone rang. 

"Hello?" She said, a bit annoyed that someone was calling this late.

"Hey Madeline." Renata answered.

"Renata, how are you?" Madeline was much more awake now, and all of the annoyance had seeped out of her the second she heard Renata's voice.

"I'm alright." 

"Isn't it late there?" Madeline looked at the clock. 11:30. "Renata it's past 2 in the morning aren't you tired?"

"I couldn't sleep. So I figured I'd try to call you." 

Madeline could hear the exhaustion in her voice.

"I saw Amabella today when I was picking up Chloe."

"Did she say Hi to you?" Renata's voice perked up.

"Yeah, she did. She was hanging out with Chloe when I came over. She looked happy." Madeline cleared her throat. "I thought that might help put your mind at ease, if you knew she was doing okay while you're gone." 

"It did, thank you" Madeline could hear the smile in Renata's voice as she answered. "How was your day?" 

"It was good, I had lunch with Celeste and then I worked at the theater for a few hours. Our show is in two weeks." 

"That sounds nice, Is celeste well? And of course I remember. You've been talking about it for weeks." 

Madeline smiled to herself. 

"She's good, Jane makes her happier than I've ever seen her. Did you have a good day?" Madeline laid back on her bed and put the phone on speaker. 

"I had meetings all day, but at least I'm getting things done. I miss being in Monterey. Thank you for telling me about Amabella. As you can imagine Gordon and I aren't on the best terms."

When Madeline awoke in the morning she realized her phone was still beside her, and that she must have fallen asleep while calling Renata. She quickly opened her texts to send her an apology, but instead she saw a new message from Renata that quelled her worries.

'I'm sure you know by now that you fell asleep on me last night, don't worry you didn't miss anything too important (except my offer to fly us both out to Hawaii to celebrate your show. Oh well, I guess it'll have to wait for another time.) I'll talk to you tonight. 

P.s. you snore and I have evidence of it now'

\---

Madeline was anxious for Renata to get back. She was only scheduled to be gone five days but it felt longer, infinitely longer. It made her a bit embarrassed how much she thought about her, as if her thoughts were displayed on her skin for everyone to see. Renata lived in her head just as much as she did anywhere else. In her head Madeline could take her anywhere she pleased. They could be on the road near the Nevada border that one Friday night, they could be in Florence floating down the canals, they could be in Paris at the tippy top of the Eiffel tower. Madeline could paint her and hang her in the Louvre. And it was all her little secret. 

\---

Renata came back on a Monday in the morning, almost criminally early. She should sleep, Madeline had told her. She slept on the flight, Renata had lied. Madeline pretended she believed her, because she was selfish. 

They decided to go to brunch, just the two of them, for the first time in a long time. Looking back maybe that wasn't the best idea. Critical eyes were on them the second they sat down on the patio of the expensive restaurant, Renata's treat. Madeline ignored them and stared at the menu, or at Renata. She looked beautiful, even with the traces of dark circles visible under her concealer. Mistake number two. 

After they ordered (a breakfast sandwich with way too much green stuff for Renata and French Toast with strawberries for Madeline) Renata excused herself and left for the restrooms. Suddenly Madeline didn't have anything to stare at anymore. There was no buffer to keep her from the ever encroaching eyes on her. Renata hadn't been gone very long before a woman Madeline vaguely recognized from PTA meetings came up to her. 

"Hi Madeline! How are you?" She was peppy, and sugary like a pixie stick with reddish hair. 

"I'm fine." Madeline looked around, wishing Renata would come back to save her. 

"Well, I just wanted to tell you that I think what you're doing for this town is great, all five of you are so brave." She smiled and rubbed Madeline's shoulder in a faintly demeaning way.

Before Madeline could reply, Renata was halfway back to the table, and the woman dropped her hand from Madeline's shoulder.

"I'll let you two enjoy your meals." She scampered off. 

"Who was that?" Renata said as she sat down. The waiter suddenly appeared out of nowhere and placed their food in front of them, forcing Madeline to pause.

"I'm not sure, she just came up to me."

Renata laughed. 

"Well it looked like you scared her off by the way she ran away from the table." 

After they had finished their meals, Renata and Madeline sat around in their seats, not caring that there were probably people waiting to be seated. They felt like the only people in the whole world. 

A familiar hand settled on Madeline's shoulder. She could feel chills settle down her back. 

"Hi Renata!" It was that bubblegum voice again. Renata must have looked like she had no idea who this woman was, because she spoke again. 

"I'm Darcy." The hand moved from her shoulder to shake Renata's. "My daughter goes to Otter Bay too."

"Ah." Renata shook her hand begrudgingly. 

"I was talking to Madeline earlier, I was just telling her how brave I think you two are. I mean there aren't many lesbians in Monterey, at least that I know of! And by the way I think you two are absolutely adorable together." 

Madeline could feel the bile rising in her throat. 

"What?" Renata looked Darcy dead in the face. 

"Aren't you two together?" She sounded like a little girl, innocent and confused. 

Renata laughed. Madeline could feel her stomach churn. 

"No no, we're not together. Us?" -she said it like it was the most absurd thing she'd ever heard, an impossibility- "We're not gay." Renata laughed again. 

Madeline looked at the table cloth and tried to breathe through her nose to keep her throat from constricting in a sob.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Darcy sounded like it personally offended her on some level, that they dare deprive her of the one ounce of notable gossip she could get in this town.

"Sorry to break it to you Darcy! No lesbians here! Were you just leaving?" Madeline shot her head up and plastered on a sharp smile.

"Um yeah I-I was leaving. Bye guys." Darcy ran off, her metaphorical tail in between her legs.

"Woah." Renata leaned back in her chair. "Are you okay?" 

"I'm fine." Madeline grabbed her purse from the arm of the chair. "I need to get going. They need me at the theater." She was already standing up when Renata spoke again.

"I thought you said you had the day off?" Renata seemed genuinely confused. Madeline felt a twinge of guilt, but she buried it deep under her pride. "It's an emergency, they texted me." Madeline pulled out her wallet and threw thirty bucks onto the table. "Thanks for brunch Renata."

"Wait, Madeline" Renata turned her head to follow as Madeline left, but she didn't turn around. Renata opened her purse, hoping she had enough cash to cover the meal so she could run after Madeline, but she didn't. 

"Excuse me?" She called to the nearest waiter. "Take this and ring it up as fast as you can." The waiter looked vaguely disgruntled, but he took the check out of her hand and complied none the less. 

Madeline ran out into the parking lot and flung her car door open once she reached it. She started the car and yanked her seatbelt across her chest, anxious to get the fuck out of there, no matter how unsafe it was to drive in her state.

By the time the waiter brought Renata the check she had sent Madeline seven texts telling her not to run off and wait in the parking lot so they could talk. But none had been answered. Renata took one look at the lot when she got outside and knew that Madeline was long gone. 

"What the fuck?" Renata said under her breath as she made her way to her car. The space next to it was empty, making it obvious that Madeline had indeed left. 

\---

Madeline wasn't even fully sure where she was, all she was doing was putting distance between her and Renata. The highway was had been on had turned into back roads and residential streets miles ago and now she was parked on the side of the road in a small field. Monterey felt like it was a world away, so she finally fell apart.

"FUCK!" She screamed and hit the steering wheel. "FUCK!"

She hadn't really realized until that moment, when Renata laughed at the prospect of them being together, that that's what she wanted. It seemed silly now because it was so obvious in retrospect, but the idea had been buried so deep in her mind that it never saw the light of day. But now it was sitting right in the front of her brain, invading her every thought. She wanted to be with Renata. She wanted to kiss her and trace patterns on her arms and hold her hands. And that made her want to cry or scream or maybe disappear off of the face of the earth. She wanted Renata. And Renata didn't want her.

Madeline picked up the phone in her purse with shaky hands and dialed Celeste's number, praying to god she wouldn't be too mad that she was calling her during work hours. The line rang for long enough that Madeline was afraid she wasn't going to pick up. 

"Hello?" 

"Celeste?" Madeline let out the breath she'd been holding. 

"Madeline I'm working you can't just call me in the middle of the day." 

"I'm sorry Celeste I just needed to talk to someone about everything- I'm so confused, please can you talk for a few minutes?" Madeline knew she was whining like a child, voice thick with tears, but if it made Celeste stay she would bare it. 

"Are you okay? What happened?" Madeline could hear Celeste moving someplace more private.

"I don't know- I was out with Renata for brunch and we were having such a nice time, like we always do, and then this woman came up and asked if we were gay or together or something and she said we were brave to be an out couple" -Madeline took a breath- "and then Renata laughed and said, in not so many words, that that would never ever happen between us, and the way she said it made it sound like the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard."

The line was silent for a second. 

"Celeste?"

"I'm still here Madeline, I'm just trying to understand everything you just said." 

Madeline laughed, the sound was watery and fragile.

"Well you aren't together, are you?" Celeste spoke carefully.

"No. We're not." 

Celeste took a breath.

"Madeline, do you like Renata?" She asked it like she already knew the answer.

"Like? What are we in, middle school?" Like didn't even begin to describe what she felt for Renata. 

"Madeline."

"Yes, okay? Yes I do. I didn't know it before, but it's obvious now isn't it?" Madeline wiped at more of the tears falling from her face.

"Oh Madeline..."

Madeline could tell by her voice that if Celeste was here she would have wrapped her into a hug, which made her want to cry harder. 

"What does it matter anyway? Nothing is ever going to happen between us."

Madeline wanted so badly for Celeste to tell her she was wrong, that it was clear Renata felt the same way, but she didn't. 

"You can't tell anyone. Promise me you won't." Madeline put as much force as she possibly could behind those words.

"I won't, I promise you. I won't tell anybody."

"You can tell Jane." Madeline interrupted her before she could continue. "Jane doesn't have anyone else to tell anyway, and I don't want you to have to keep a secret from her."

Celeste laughed little. "I'll make sure it stays between the three of us. Do you want me to come over tonight or something?"

Madeline shook her head before she remembered Celeste couldn't see her.

"No it's alright. I just needed to tell someone. Thank you Celeste." She hung up right then and got out of the car. The sun was warm on her face and it smelled of a sweet flower that Madeline didn't recognize. If she closed her eyes she could imagine that she was here on a picnic. Bonnie would bring a big white sheet for them to sit on and Celeste and Jane would bring nice bread and good cheese and Renata would bring too expensive wine and they would laugh at each others ridiculous stories and Madeline would let her fingers rest over Renata's, enough to make her skin light up and Renata wouldn't mind, she'd just flash her a smirk-smile.

\---

Celeste sighed as she walked through the door to her house, both of the boys in tow. Jane was on the couch waiting for her, a soft smile on her face. 

"Ziggy is in the playroom guys, why don't you go play with him?" Jane told the boys. They shrieked in excitement and ran off, leaving their bags on the floor. Normally Celeste would have scolded them for not hanging them up, but she couldn't find it in her to do so.

"Are you okay? I got your text asking me to come over." 

Celeste smiled at Jane and leaned down to kiss her lightly. 

"I'm fine. I wanted to talk to you about something that happened today." Celeste shrugged her jacket off and hung it up on the coat rack. 

"What happened?"

"I got a call from Madeline, while I was at work." Celeste sat down on the couch next to Jane, settling her head in her lap. "I was going to tell her off for interrupting me, but she was distraught- and I mean really distraught."

"Did you find out why?" Jane ran her fingers through Celeste's hair. 

"Apparently she had lunch with Renata and it did not go well." 

Jane looked down at her, a confused expression on her face. Celeste hesitated to continue.

"You don't have to tell me if Madeline doesn't want you to" Jane reminded her softly.

"No it's alright, she said I could tell you. Just keep it between us ok?" Jane nodded. "Madeline..." She tried to find the words to say, "has feelings for Renata. And after today, it seems like they aren't reciprocated."

Jane closed her eyes and put her head back onto the couch. 

"Ouch."

"Yeah." 

"Does Renata know?"

"I don't think so, I doubt Madeline told her." 

Jane took a deep breath and repositioned them so that they were both laying down, Celeste on her chest.

"This is about to be a mess I can just feel it."

\---

Renata had called Madeline upwards of ten times, abandoning her dignity after the fourth one. 

"Madeline can you tell me what's wrong?"

Beep.

"Madeline answer my calls."

Beep.

"Madeline you're being ridiculous." 

Beep.

"Jesus christ can you just let me know you're alright?"

Beep.

"Madeline, whatever I did, I'm sorry. Just let me talk to you."

Beep.

"Listen alright, I'm worried about you, you're scaring me"

Beep.

Renata's frustration built with every tone of the voicemail she heard, as did her anxiety. There was a sinking feeling in her gut, as if a black hole had suddenly opened up in there. Something felt wrong, she couldn't quite place it, but she could feel it, like the way the sky got a bit yellow before a big thunderstorm was about to open up right on top of you. Irrationally she thought maybe Madeline was in pain (she was) or maybe she was in danger (she wasn't) and that's why she couldn't get to the phone. So she called again, like somehow this time Madeline would answer.

Even picking Amabella up from school and getting to see her smiling and giggling face didn't raise Renata's spirits because it came accompanied by Madeline refusing to meet her eye and rushing out with Chloe at record speeds to avoid a conversation with her.

Renata's heart tugged at her, urging her to follow Madeline to her car and confront her right then, to yell at her and hug her and tell her she was glad she wasn't sitting in a ditch somewhere, but she didn't. For once, she wouldn't cause a scene. Instead she grasped Amabella's little hand and walked them both to the car, pretending that it was just another normal day. Amabella didn't talk much on the way there, as if she could sense her mother's preoccupied mind. 

\---

Whether or not anybody had noticed how close Renata and Madeline had gotten, people certainly picked up on their "falling out." If you could even call it that. It'd hardly been two days and what felt like the entirety of Monterey was buzzing with rumors. Was it Renata's ego that finally did them in? Did Madeline stab her in the back? Were the entire Monterey five falling apart? 

Finally, when she couldn't take it anymore, Renata showed up at Madeline's house right after dinner, when she knew she'd be there. Her heart thumped loudly in her ears as she patiently awaited Madeline's appearance at the door. If everything was normal, Renata would have been here anyway, since Ed had Chloe on Wednesday nights and Gordon had Amabella. It took far too long for Madeline to come to the door, yet Renata was nowhere near ready to look her in the eyes when she opened the door. Madeline could be terrifying when she needed to be, and now was one of those times. 

"Hi." Renata spoke first. 

"What do you need?" Madeline's phrases were clipped and her hurt was masked with impatience. Renata felt like Madeline had slapped her. It must have shown on her face because Madeline suddenly seemed to wake up and realize it was still Renata in front of her, no matter what had happened. 

"Why haven't you answered any of my calls? Why have you been avoiding me?" It was Renata's turn to be hostile. 

"I've been busy." Madeline crossed her arms, building her walls twenty feet high. 

"Liar. Don't you dare lie to me. What's going on?" There was an element of desperation to Renata's voice. 

Madeline's eyes softened, then steeled. 

"You don't have to know everything that's going on in my life Renata because: news flash! I'm my own person! I'm not just someone to tag around with you and bicker with you when its convenient!"

Renata scoffed. They were getting into dangerous territory. 

"I don't have to know everything that's going on in your life? Madeline I'm your best friend. Don't try to say you don't like spending time with me because that's a fucking lie and you know it. You don't want to tell me what's going on? Fine. But don't act like you're perfect and you don't stick your nose into everybody's business this entire fucking city Madeline, because you do. Don't try to act like you deserve to be on some moral high horse because that's bullshit." Renata spit the words at her. 

"You're not my best friend! Celeste is, fuck maybe even Jane is! Just because you can't connect with anyone but me because the only way you know how to communicate is through arguments doesn't mean you're the only person in my life." Madeline wanted to vomit as the words left her mouth. They felt like razor blades on her tongue, cutting her as they fell out.

Renata stepped back, as if she had been physically hit by the words. She looked a bit like she was about to scream, cry, or kill Madeline right there.

"Fuck you."

Renata walked back over to her car and flung the door open. Part of Madeline wanted to call out to her and apologize, but another part of her, a sick, twisted, sadistic part of her wanted this to hurt as badly as it possibly could, for this thing to end between them in fire rather than her quiet shame.

\---

To say things were awkward between them from then on was a massive understatement. All regular communication had stopped, and they didn't see each other outside of pick ups at Otter Bay. All of the life that had poured out of them when they were together, all of the explosive chemistry they had, whether they were debating or not, seemed to have run cold. They were both miserable. You could see it on their faces. How they didn't make eye contact, how they always managed to end up on opposite sides of the street or of the room they were in, how they pushed everyone else away. 

But no matter how far the rift between them had grown, they were both expected at Bonnie's for dinner on Friday. It was non negotiable. 

All of their attempts to get out of going were met with insistence that they show up, or else. Renata had tried to pull the meeting card, Madeline alleged extra rehearsals at the theater, but Bonnie didn't buy a word of it. 

"If you're not there by 6:30 I'm going to come get you, wherever you are."

\---

Celeste and Jane were the first two to show up to Bonnie's, to nobody's surprise. They arrived together, a beautiful cake in hand from a local bakery. 

"Hi guys" Bonnie greeted them both with a hug and led them to the kitchen. 

"It smells delicious in here." Jane commented. 

Bonnie flashed her a smile. "Thank you, it's vegetarian chili." Jane peered over the pot in interest, and Celeste laughed and pulled her back.

"Are Madeline and Renata both coming?" Celeste asked Bonnie cautiously.

"They should be, I don't know what's going on between them but they need to work it out because it's fucking with this entire town." 

The doorbell rang.

"Speak of the devil." Bonnie wiped her hands on a towel and went to open the door. Madeline walked into the kitchen a few seconds later, a glittery smile on her face.

"Hi!" She gave Celeste a hug, and then Jane as well. 

"How are you Madeline?" Bonnie asked, already pouring wine for the four of them. 

"Great!" 

Bonnie shot Celeste a look out of the corner of her eye that said what everyone was thinking: this was going to be an interesting night.

Renata was the last to arrive, barely a minute before 6:30, looking perfectly put together and uptight in her work suit and her heels. 

"I'm sorry to cut it so close Bonnie, I got held up at the office. Here this is for you." She handed Bonnie a bottle of wine and a small box with a bow on top. 

"Thank you Renata." Bonnie smiled at her and gave her a hug. "Now we should start eating or everything is going to get cold." 

Try as hard as they might, somehow Renata and Madeline ended up across from each other. The tension between them was semi-suffocating, even with Bonnie's attempts to include everyone in easy conversation. Madeline's overly peppy and sweet demeanor had been switched for the uptight and passive aggressive one she usually reserved for Nathan once Renata had showed up, and Renata met every scoff or cold shoulder with her own fury. 

Eventually, the conversation became sparse and all that could be heard were the sounds of forks scraping the bottom of bowls and wine glasses being set back down on the table. Celeste put her hand on Jane's thigh, both giving and seeking comfort. 

Finally, after an agonizing silence only broken by compliments on the food or the wine, Bonnie stood up and announced she was going to clean up and the rest of them should go put on a movie. Madeline jumped at the opportunity to race out of the room while Celeste, Jane, and Renata hung back for a minute. 

After a few seconds of silence Celeste nudged Jane, telling her silently to go follow Madeline into the living room. Once she was out of the room, Celeste spoke. 

"Renata." 

"Celeste." 

"What the hell is going on?" 

Renata leaned back in her chair, defenses clearly up. 

"You should be asking Madeline that question. I don't know what her problem is, only that I'm not going to deal with it." 

Celeste looked at her intently, like Renata was a witness ready to be wrung dry of information. 

"It is your problem. And you've both made it everyone's problem by acting like this."

"I tried to fix this once already. I ate my pride once I won't stomach it again if she can't even try for me."

Celeste raised her eyebrows slightly, surprised that Renata would've been the one to try and be the bigger person first. 

"I'm going into the living room to make sure we don't end up watching something completely mind numbing." Renata declared, standing up and leaving Celeste alone. 

\---

"We're not watching that garbage" Renata shook her head at the screen displaying the poster for 'Miss Congeniality.'

"It's not garbage, it's lighthearted and fun Renata, something I know is hard for you to grasp." Madeline shot back.

Jane looked between the two of them from her position on the couch with a mixture of confusion and disbelief. It felt like she was back to first grade orientation where Renata and Madeline might as well have had knives at each others throats. When Celeste came into the room and sat next to her, she breathed a sigh of relief.

"That bad huh?" Celeste whispered into her neck.

"Worse." Jane mumbled.

"Hang in there." Celeste pressed a kiss to Jane's cheek 

"Renata, I think you can handle one romcom without dying, why not just give it a chance?" Celeste reasoned. 

"Exactly!" Madeline said, a smug smile on her face as she pressed play. 

Renata huffed but sat down, knowing she was outvoted.

It really didn't matter what movie they picked out in the end because barely fifteen minutes into it Madeline had started to look at her phone and talk. 

"Celeste look at this" she held her phone out for her to see "I can't believe Ashley is having another one. How many kids does she have by now?"

"Madeline..." Celeste started.

"I'm just saying! The world is dying not everyone needs eight kids!" Madeline defended.

"She has five kids Madeline not eight-" 

"Still!"

"At least she has the space for all of them in that huge house" Jane added. 

"I know but have you seen the way they behave? They're little terrors!" 

"Terrors is a strong word Madeline." Celeste reminded.

"They are! Whenever I see them at the school they're either screaming or jumping off of something- didn't one of them have a broken arm last year?" 

"At least they're harmless about it, they just have a lot of energy. They're boys, you wouldn't know Madeline." Jane laughed.

"Chloe says they're such nuisances in class, especially the older one."

"I think the parents who have issues with them should bring it up with the school if it's that big of a deal." Renata said, speaking for the first time since the conversation had started. 

"You're one to be giving parenting advice, Renata." 

Everything, everyone fell silent in the millisecond it took Madeline to realize she'd made a huge mistake. Even the birds outside and the wind that blew through the trees seemed to pause. A chill fell over the room, and Madeline desperately searched for Renata's eyes. 

But Renata had turned her head away. She looked smaller, for the first time since Madeline had known her.

Somebody wrap your arms around her, somebody comfort her! Madeline's mind screamed.

But Celeste was trapped in the corner of the couch on Madeline's other side and Bonnie was in the kitchen and Jane was sitting next to Celeste, statue still, with her mouth wide open. And Renata was sitting there, her head turned to the window, all alone. 

Time seemed to move in slow motion.

"Renata I'm sorry" finally, after a century, Madeline forced her mouth to move. But Renata just raised a hand and got up from her seat on the couch. Madeline still couldn't see her face. Not until she was almost at the doorway, when she finally turned. Her eyes were watery, and she looked angrier and more distraught than Madeline had ever seen her. She raised her hand again, and Madeline wished she was closer so maybe Renata would slap her to take away some of this sinking feeling in her gut that was swallowing her whole. But she put it back down at her side and clenched her fist. 

"You had absolutely no right." 

Then she was gone.

But the weight of the room didn't lift, not even when Bonnie came back in with a bowl of grapes, looking confused. 

"Where did Renata go?"

"She went home." Madeline managed to choke out. The words felt like acid on her tongue. Everyone's eyes were on her. She turned to face Celeste, maybe seeking comfort, maybe retribution. But all she found was her own disbelief reflected back at her. 

It took another hundred years for anyone else to speak.

"Madeline what the hell?" 

It was Jane, which somehow came as a shock to Madeline. Bonnie looked back and forth between them, trying to deduce the situation. Celeste just sat there. And then, as if struck by some incredible force all of the sudden, Madeline leapt up and rushed to the front door. She ran out into the driveway, barefoot, half expecting Renata to still be there, as if this were a movie and Madeline had the chance to make everything up to her. But she was gone. 

Madeline searched for her phone in her pocket, only to remember she had set it on the counter. She rushed back inside and grabbed it, ignoring the concerned glances from the others. She needed to call Renata now. It didn't matter that Renata would never pick up while she was driving, she needed to call her now and prove that she an idiot for saying that and that she was so sorry it made her want to cry.

The line rang. And rang. And rang. Until someone pressed the decline button and it went to voicemail.

"Renata please I'm so sorry I'm so fucking sorry god I'm an idiot please call me back, I need you to call me back because you need to know that I didn't mean it and I feel like I could throw up right now because of what I said. Renata please just call me back sometime and let me know we're gonna be okay." Madeline hung up the phone and put her head in her hands. 

When she walked back into the living room, the movie was turned off. Bonnie, Jane, and Celeste sat on the couch looking at her and pretending they hadn't heard the phone call.

"I'm going home." Madeline spoke with a deadpan tone.

"I need to talk to you first." Celeste got up off the couch and Madeline noticed she had to let go of Jane's hand to do so, as if Jane was giving her encouragement for whatever what about to happen. Celeste led her into the hallway, far enough away from the living room that they couldn't be heard. 

"Madeline that was bad." 

"You think I don't know that?!" 

Celeste put her hand up, silencing Madeline. 

"Quiet. I'm speaking now, you're listening. Look I don't know what you said to Renata before tonight or what she said to you or if she returns your feelings but whatever any of those answers may be: you need to fucking fix this. Because that was too far and we all know it. And maybe you didn't mean it, I hope you didn't, but you said it and you wanted to hurt her and you did. So fix it."

Madeline nodded, unable to think of anything worth saying in response. Celeste pulled her into a quick hug and stroked her hair, as if she was a child again. 

\---

Over the next few days Madeline called Renata again and again, the voice mail tone so familiar to her ear after a while that it almost seemed like she wasn't calling a real person anymore, like the messages were just floating off into space, which is how Madeline felt a little too, without Renata. When she was the one running away it was so much easier to stay grounded, to stay focused, because she knew Renata was one text message away from appearing at her door. But now she was unreachable, an abstract figure in Madeline's mind. 

Thankfully their friends hadn't taken sides, at least publicly, because Madeline knew they would have sided with Renata. It didn't matter that Madeline was closer with most of them, she was in the wrong and it was obvious. If she had the chance to choose, Madeline too would have been rushing to Renata's side immediately.

The only thing that kept her busy now besides Chloe was the theater, the last branch she could hold onto before she got swept under the currents and drowned. Opening night was looming over her head, and she was happy to take on the extra work that came with it. When she was working, she didn't have time to think about Renata. Instead, she ran around making sure everyone had a costume that fit and their lines mostly memorized. Madeline was silently proud of herself for coping as well as she possibly could instead of having a meltdown in the Otter Bay parking lot or drinking herself into oblivion once Chloe was asleep. 

\---

It was Thursday night, 24 hours before the show would open, and Madeline was laying on her bed staring at the smooth ceiling above her head. She had stopped at the gas station on her way home from the theater as a way to delay walking into an empty house, and on a whim she bought a pack of cigarettes. They were cheap and the man who sold them to her had looked her up and down enough that she felt sick to her stomach. 

The cigarettes were right there, sitting on her pillow. She didn't smoke, never had, not regularly anyway. But now, she just wanted something to do that would get her out of her head and not give her a massive hangover tomorrow. Or maybe she just wanted to pretend for a few minutes that she was someone else in a whole other place entirely, somewhere where nobody would know who she was or who she'd divorced or who she was desperately in love with. 

Madeline got up from her bed and grabbed the little cardboard box. She thought about just smoking right there in the room for a moment, but dismissed the idea a second later. Instead, she made her way down through the kitchen, fished a lighter from the drawer and went out on the beach. She pulled a cigarette out of the box and lit it, her body remembering how to breathe in enough to keep her from having a coughing fit, again.

"Nobody smokes anymore."

The echo of Renata's voice in her head was so vivid she almost looked around to see where she was standing and scolding her. But Renata wasn't there, Madeline was all alone with her bad tasting cigarettes. 

The waves were mesmerizing, the way they crashed against the shore rhythmically was almost like a heartbeat. Madeline thought of the last time Renata was here, sitting next to Madeline where she always sat, looking out at the ocean in silence. Madeline craved her presence. The solid feeling of her shoulder, or her arm wrapped around Madeline's waist. 

Madeline took another drag from the cigarette, this one burning less than the first. So she snuffed it out even though it was mostly still good, and she looked out at the black-blue ocean and thought of Renata, because it's the only thing she knew how to do. 

She pulled her phone out of her pocket and held it in her hand for a second, her fingers hesitating over the call button next to Renata's contact. It was late, but Renata didn't have Amabella tonight because it was a Thursday, so she could still be awake doing work that couldn't wait ten hours until the morning. But even if Renata was up she wouldn't answer, so there wasn't any harm in pressing call was there? Madeline pressed the speaker phone icon and waited a few seconds as it rang. When the dial tone didn't come she almost didn't notice. 

"Renata?"

Nobody replied, but Madeline could hear the soft sound of breathing and a bit of white noise because of the connection. 

"I'm sorry." Madeline took a breath. "I'm at the beach, can you hear the ocean?" She paused and held the phone out from her chest towards the waves. "I miss you." 

Renata hung up. 

\---

Opening night was hectic, as it always was, no matter how much preparation Madeline did or how meticulously they all practiced. There were misplaced props to find and costumes to pin down and makeup to do all up until curtain call. Just before the lights went out Madeline opened the side door and took a glance at who had come. Ed and Chloe were there in the second row, Abigail and Nathan were near the back looking sufficiently bored already, Jane, Celeste, Bonnie and the kids were all sitting in the middle of the theater, and at the end of the row near the back was...Renata? 

The lights started to dim and Madeline had to close the door before she could look more closely. She could've sworn it was Renata at the back of the theater, apart from the others, but a voice at the back of her mind reminded her that it was just as likely her eyes deceiving her. She wanted Renata there, more than anything, but there was no reason she would be. Madeline paced backstage, her nerves about the show running smoothly and her confusion with Renata overwhelming her. 

Out of nowhere it seemed, applause could be heard from the theater. Madeline checked her phone. 8:45. Somehow she had spent upwards of two hours lost in her thoughts. She walked to the lobby where everyone was streaming out from the theater and stood on her tiptoes to find familiar faces. Jane waved her over to where everyone was gathered. 

"It was great Madeline." Celeste patted her on the shoulder. 

"Yeah!" One of her boys- Madeline still couldn't tell them apart- chimed in. 

"Thank you" Madeline brought the brightest smile she could to her face. 

"Yeah mom, it was better than the puppet show." Abigail said, prompting a nudge from Bonnie. "I mean it was good." 

"Thank you Abigail."

A woman walked through the crowd a few feet back. Her blonde hair caught Madeline's eye because it peeked out above most of the other people in the room. Renata? Was her brain still playing with her?

"Madeline?" Celeste's voice brought her out of her thoughts. 

"What? Sorry." 

"I was just saying I think we're going to head home now, it's getting late and the boys need to go to bed."

There was a chorus of nods and agreements from the other parents. 

"Alright. Thank you all for coming." Madeline bent down to kiss Chloe on the forehead. "I'll see you tomorrow afternoon okay?" Chloe nodded. 

The group of them all walked off, leaving Madeline alone in the crowd of people. 

\---

By the time Madeline pulled out of the parking lot of the theater it was pouring and her dress was already a bit wet around the shoulders from her hair. Maybe if it hadn't been raining, or if she hadn't called Renata last night and listened to the waves, or if she hadn't taken that one last look in the theater, Madeline would've just driven home. But she didn't. Instead she pulled onto the highway to Renata's house. 

Madeline rushed up the stairs to Renata's front door, almost slipping on the wet pavement in her heels. She was wet all over now, and the heaviness of the rain seemed to penetrate past her skin into a deeper place and make her cold from the inside out. 

She raised her knuckles to knock on the door, and the sound barely reached her ears. Everything was so loud, and Madeline wondered if most of it was in her head.

Then the door opened and the warm yellowish light came spilling out onto her and there was Renata. Madeline had the insane urge to grab her and hug her right then. 

"Were you at the show?" 

"What are you doing at my house? It's pouring Madeline you're soaking wet." 

"I'm here because I need you to tell me you were there. Even if it's a lie I just need you to say it." Madeline looked up at her, their height difference heightened by the stairs so that Renata seemed to tower over her. Madeline was fully at her mercy. From an outside perspective it might have looked like she was at the alter, praying.

Renata sighed.

"I was there." 

"Are you lying?" 

"No." 

Madeline could feel the red hot burn of tears at the back of her eyes.

"Oh." 

She blinked rapidly, trying to maintain some semblance of composure. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry for what I said and what I did and what I might do in the future because I say things I don't mean and hurt people Renata, I'm sorry."

Renata was the one to grab her and pull her up to the top step, underneath the roof. Then she leaned out so that their faces were close and Madeline stood there like she didn't know what to do, her hair dripping all over the welcome mat. Then Renata put her hot hand on her cheek and Madeline leaned in slightly, waiting for Renata to commit to this once and for all. 

And then Renata kissed her. Renata's hand was on her cheek and then on the back of her neck and her fingers were threaded through her wet hair. Madeline could feel tears start to spill out onto her cheeks. And Renata pulled away.

"Don't run away. You'll kill me if you do." 

Madeline wiped at her cheeks. 

"I won't, I'm not going to run away." 

Renata opened the door all the way and let Madeline inside.

"Take off your shoes. And give me this."

Renata took her wet jacket off and hung it on a hook just outside the door.

"I might still have a few clothes that you left here, I can check." She went off into another room to look, and Madeline stayed exactly where she was, as if she was afraid if she moved she was going to ruin everything.

Renata came back out with a pair of sweatpants and an oversized sweatshirt. 

"Here, get changed. I'll make some tea or something." 

Madeline slipped into the bathroom and put on the dry clothes. She hung her wet ones gently over the shower, hoping Renata wouldn't mind, before she went back out. 

"Here" Renata already had a mug of hot tea on the counter for her. "It's all I could find, it's that stuff Celeste likes. You know I'm more of a coffee person."

Madeline brought the mug to her lips and sipped, enjoying the warmth from the beverage. 

"It's good. Thank you." 

They sat in silence for a moment, just looking at each other. 

"So, we need to talk." Renata said, her voice serious.

"Okay."

"If we want to try to make this work- if you feel the same way that I do- then we can't act like this anymore"

"How do you feel." Madeline asked, needing to hear the words come out of Renata's mouth. 

"I want to be with you." 

Madeline smiled to herself.

"But if we want to be together we can't run away from each other, you have to tell me if you're upset and I have to tell you or else we'll fall apart. And I don't want us to fall apart Madeline." Renata walked to her side of the counter and pulled her into a hug. 

"I promise I'll tell you when I'm upset, I'll tell you what I'm feeling Renata." 

"And you can't bring up Amabella and use what happened against me, you can't Madeline I can't handle it. Hurt me in any other way." 

Madeline looked up at her and saw that her eyes were glazed over with tears. 

"I regretted it the second I said it. That doesn't make it any better, but I won't ever say anything like that again. You love Amabella more than anything, you're a good mother." 

Renata pulled her into another hug, which turned into a kiss which tasted of Renata's tears this time. When Renata pulled away she was smiling, and she took Madeline's hand and led her to the couch closest to the window.

"We can't turn the TV on, Amabella is asleep." Renata said. She settled against the arm of the couch and let Madeline sit leaned back against her chest so they could both look out at the ocean. They sat there for a while, not talking, just like before except a little different now. Renata's hand played with the hem of her sweatshirt, and Madeline's hand rested comfortably on Renata's thigh. 

"I missed you too" Renata whispered, almost too soft for Madeline to hear. 

\---

Sometime in the night Renata had dragged them both off of the couch and upstairs. There was no question of whether or not Madeline was staying the night. Renata simply gave Madeline one of her own shirts from her closet to wear to bed after throwing one on herself and pulled an extra toothbrush out of the cabinet for her. 

"Here. Your morning breath is already bad enough we don't need to see it when you don't brush your teeth." Renata had said before she pulled Madeline into a minty kiss, then another. It proved difficult to focus on brushing your teeth and washing your face when Renata Klein had her hand on your lower back the whole time, Madeline learned. 

Madeline didn't even consider the possibility of staying in the guest room until morning. Not when Renata had a bed big enough for the both of them, and Madeline fit in her arms and pressed against her chest like she was meant to be there. And Renata seemed to agree by the way she draped her arm around Madeline's waist and kept a hand resting on her stomach protectively.

**Author's Note:**

> me vs writing fanfic with gay laura dern


End file.
